To my future self when you fall for a Sudanese guy 3shan ma tit7anaki,
Here is a condensed reminder list to consider about the majority of Sudanese men. I updated three more qualities from the comments of my best friend over the course of a single phone conversation (credit goes to S.S. for sharing her experience). So, imagine if I had a conversation with ten Sudanese women about their experience in this field....I can imagine the crazy long list I will end up having.
Without further ado, here is the condensed list shortened to 23 reasons ... only :
1/ They do not understand the concept of Partnership. Partnership in my humble opinion means sharing everything. Duties, responsibilities, rights, and owning and fulfilling expectations. It means in and outside of the house. In front of a mirror or a group of people. Regardless of time and space restrictions.
2/ They do not show affection, passion, gentleness, softness, or any variation. Marrying someone means being able to fulfill that human need for affection. With words, touch, and actions. Not everyone is effusive in expressing themselves, but there is always a way or two or three to get that point across ... multiple ways to be precise. I love hearing sweet words, because I love saying them out loud. I love to touch and be touched, I love passion when its too much and when its out of bounds. These are the best moments in life, whether you are alone or with someone else, these coming "alive" moments.
Why would I be with anyone who is cheap when it comes to expressive love for me?
Why save these gestures and words? I might be dead tomorrow! How much regret would we have if we didn't pour our 100% out?
3/ They are emotionally stunted in some personal way or another. I understand that so well, because we are all human and we have been hurt some way or another. And we are simply afraid.
But here is a question: How long will you let fear govern your life?
Being vulnerable is not weakness. I think it's true courage to show your need for love, express your emotions in anyway possible. Those people around us are infinitesimal probabilities. They might have not been here at all and they might depart at any given moment. All we have is right now! So, why don't we share ourselves?
I have been hurt before, by friends and by family... by people so close to me ... I spent considerable time recovering from the hurt and learning to navigate a path towards trusting again ... but I discovered the more I open up, the more I attract people who deserve to be there in my life. I won't look back .. so why would you?
4/ They do not dedicate time for the family, but they have so much time for outsiders.
This is a typical Sudanese trait. Serving others at the expense of your own health, family, career and well-being. Those around us give us unconditionally (evolution made sure it goes this way). Why do we seek the approval and acceptance of outsiders by giving away while we are not doing the same inside our own families and homes?
Time for family equals time for building up stronger bonds and knowing our kids and siblings and partners. Their dreams and fears and what makes them tick! That's what life with a partner and a family is about.
5/ They do not take the initiative to start a common project.
Common projects are essential for a successful partnership. The common project could be anything: learning a new hobby together, reading a book together, building a wooden box together, or even make and raise a baby together. Baby making and raising the Sudanese way is not a mutual project (except that part where the couple make the baby of course), after the mating rituals are over, it's the mommy's job to do the rest ..
I wish I know one couple from my nation with a mutual project. Count to date: nil.
6/ They always have a point that needs proving.
This is the part that I do not understand. May be because I am good at avoiding conflict and an artist at running before a blow up. May be because I don't see what's the point of proving someone is right or wrong. Discussions - in my dictionary of life - are a means to an end. There is something that needs to be produced, let's discuss it, do something about, and move on with our super awesome lives.
7/ They are not supportive, and if they are, only with words but no actions.
This is the sad truth. A Sudanese woman could be a talented, educated, ambitious and dedicated woman. She gets married and game over. Why? because her life is difficult to manage after marriage. and you would think partnership is about sharing and delegating and support and help. Think again.
With a Sudanese man, the rate of advancing in a career, school, or anything is just ...... sad.
They don't help. They say they do, but they don't.
This is too depressing to talk about, so I will move on.
8/ They are not good listeners, but they are excellent speakers.
I find this to be so funny, because men think the same about women.
I think we all need some primary school class called "listening"
9/ They are masters at justification.
I have heard some amazingly impressive excuses, stupid excuses, funny excuses, outright outlandish excuses... Everything under the sun.
Making up lies is a sad aspect of life. Not accepting responsibility is a sign of immaturity. Moving on.
10/They don't know how to make plans, share plans, or cancel plans reasonably. You can see this example any Sudanese guy is talking over the phone. There is always a need to circle around a topic, pick odd inconsistent objectives, trial and error is the acceptable way of doing things. Changing minds midway is the norm, and oh.... I am just tired already.
11/They do not respect privacy. Not in a century ... I guess this one is a societal norm.
12/ They do not respect time. Again... society. Why did I include these? I guess I am just loving being so ruthless tonight lol but seriously respect for time means respect for the other person who is involved.
13/ They are hyper-conscious of other people's opinions, with extreme need for validation from others.
I find this one is the main reason for many fights over trivial things such as decisions to live, work and even how to dress. People impose their opinions, and couples end up siding with one way or another, and it escalates. The worst parts are when a couple have different core beliefs.. A man who is more "religious" than his partner makes her life hell when it comes to having an active life, dress code, and friendships.
I think core beliefs need to be on the exact same step. Muslims should marry Muslims. Cute Muslims should marry cute Muslims, and atheists should only be with/ marry athiests. Life would be much simpler.
14/ They are mostly unreliable. In every possible way: time, kids, social events, emotional crisis, ... I think the list varies depending on how long a couple have been together... Sarcasm? may be..
15/ They don't understand the concept of physical intimacy and that it includes something other than penetration followed by sleep... This one is for 18+ .. proceed at your own peril
I haven't had the pleasure of sleeping with anyone yet, but from what I have heard so far, there seems to be a hidden expectation in Sudan that sex is for men. Women are passive receivers and if they prove to be otherwise they might get divorced. Divorce is stigmatized, and it's truly saddening.
Anyways, sex is pleasurable. I know that because self-love is enjoyable, so I can only imagine it will be very good when someone else (with whom you share that magical thing called love) is involved.
I feel sad for the many factors that play into making this an unpleasant and sometimes agonizing experience for women. It's truly heartbreaking. It is heartbreaking not talking about it. It's the most intimate act in my opinion, something enjoyable and fun. Women do feel sexual desire, arousal, and ecstasy. There is no reason why they should be expected to be passive. Most of them are subjected to the heinous procedure of Genetal mutilation, which hurts them physically, emotionally, and mentally. Why leave her to deal with this alone for the rest of her life? Why is she expected to be a doll for enjoyment? She is a human, with needs to be fulfilled.
I wish I could change the world. I really do, but I can't.
16/ I should really stop here ... but why should I?
17/ They will not remember any important things that belong to their partner including but not limited to birthdays, anniversaries, appointments, favorite anythings (although some of them might be better than others, proceed with caution).... Umm yeah, I need to clarify that this one is a personal not.
I love the people in my life. I try my best to remember each person's birthday, graduation day, big exam day, interview day, thesis defense day, giving birth day, and so on ... I don't succeed all the time, but I tend to remember a few. These things show care, because its difficult to remember. And I have a very bad memory when it comes to many things, but I put some effort and voila!!! A wide grin spreads on a cousin's face, a friend's eyes start filling with tears, a mother's entire body gives you a hard squeeze, and you can just feel the happiness that such a small thing has induced. I love knowing that I caused that effect. They feel loved and that makes them happy. Now apply, dear husbands.
18/ They don't participate fully in household responsibilities, raising children, getting involved in school activities, and the likes.
Women whine and nag.
Husbands shrug or offensively point out that "it's not his job"
How many times have you seen this scene? too many
I lived in a home where my mother made a simple rule. Everyone needs to learn how to do their own thing. End result: my siblings cook way better than I do. End result: there is a sense of company. End result: no one is spending 12 hours a day cooking, cleaning, organizing, and nagging about how she feels alone in this marriage. End result: the sense of cooperation at home.
I will be with someone who knows and wants to learn how to do stuff, not because I am a lazy person (which is true about 30% of the time), but because that's what partnership is about. It's about sharing the awesome things in life as well as sharing the boring ones such as preparing meals, washing dishes, cleaning up, and going grocery shopping , and keeping track of grocery discounts... The list is too long to include here. .. Mine would have planning trips together, watching a show or two together, going to boring social obligations together, and sleeping at night together... now I am just an unrealistic romantic ...
19/ They don't understand the concept of civilized dialogue where there is a give-and-take methodology.
I have rarely seen these civilized discussions. There always needs to be raised voices, shouting, disrespectful names, shaking heads, and sometimes bottled up anger coming out at odd times for the silliest of reasons.
I wish things change a bit ... People have such gigantic egos..
It's a two way street ... there is a flow that needs to happen for a dialogue to occur, for problems to be discovered, and solutions to be found.
No one hates the other, an assumption, since people are married to each other. So why adopt the attitude of rivals when this is a partnership? If this is a workplace conflict, wouldn't you be civilized at least?
20/ They are not fond of real-life self-development, lack self discipline, and fear judgement in any possible way ...
Change is the only constant in life.
This is the one sentence that is true. I love to remind myself that this holds true every time I forget the big picture and my mind enters slumber... We do that .. we forget life and what the goal is.. the big questions disappear because we are in the big box ... we forget to have fun with unobtainable answers .. wide open questions and spaces to just simply think...
I think whenever I remember that living life while not thinking about it, I realize the most important trait in a partner would be their ability to try and comprehend the big picture. This ability induces love for life, and desire to find answers and experience change. This, in my humble opinion, is the most beautiful quality of all.
21/ They are so brilliant at the theory, but fail miserably when it comes to practical.
Even the most enlightened, well-read, and well-cultured fail at practicing what they preach. They would sit and talk like an open text book of philosophy or self-development... you would think "Goodness!! this is the most inspiring person I have ever met!" but when it comes to real life, their bus stops there. They have no real understanding of concepts such as personal freedom, expression of self, personal anything, sharing, taking initiative, support, making your own decisions, and the list goes on.
They could be the best at explaining new age feminism, positive racism, discrimination against minorities, and right to have an abortion.. One two three and you discover its all talk.
22/Their world revolves around them.
He has to have food made for his friends get together, you are expected to prepare and produce the best you can make...
You want to go out with your friends. What do you mean by friends? Going out?? wallahi da yahoo alfadal...
Don't get me started on that.
The woman's desires, wants, needs, dreams, aspirations and hopes will drop down the list each and everyday of her life with a Sudanese guy. I feel some repetitiveness here.
23/In their minds: YOU are NEVER his equal.
I think this one speaks for itself ... and I need to go to sleep anyways
I am sorry this looks so harsh and very negative.
To those Sudanese men who are different, I apologize profusely for my generalizations and accusations that might not fit you or might fit you only partially. For the rest out there, I have no idea when you are going to break out of your traditional roles as the endlessly self centered partners.
To the Sudanese women, seriously ladies, why? I just wish to know why would someone put up with this?!!
To my future self, just remember to keep an open mind lol
